SansPretense

Easter was great this year – Mass with my entire family (even my sister who lately has been intrigued by the Islam faith – long story), followed by a meal together, and then a day of reading, egg hunting, volleyball, bingo and just relaxation at the park. 

This morning I was thinking about my daughter’s new Easter dress.  Yesterday, when my daughter put on her bright white dress with pink flowers, I could see her smile just light up the room.  I could tell she felt beautiful.  People complimented her and smiled as she walked by in church - I felt like my prized jewel was on display.  

It’s funny how a dress can make you feel special and beautiful and confident.  It’s happened to me before.  Even when every other day of the year I loathe some part of my body, all it takes is the right dress to make me feel beautiful.  The right dress that you’re not only comfortable in, but that you know compliments you in just the right places.  When that dress is on, you can’t help but think that everyone can see the beauty they may have overlooked before.   

Knowing how good my daughter felt when people complimented her, I made it a point to compliment other little girls yesterday.  It worked every time – the girls would raise their chins a little higher and the smiles would go from ear-to-ear.  

I think we all need to hear compliments from time to time – it’s a reminder of the good in us.  The RCIA instructor at my parish (Elaine) says 99% of us is gold and 1% is shadow, but most of the time we focus on the negative 1% and forget about how good and beautiful we actually are. I agree.  We should all be more accepting of the good in us, and be better about recognizing it in those around us.

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I don’t know where to start, except to start by admitting that I am a single mom.     

I mention this fact only because I was doing my daily reading of news and came across a blog about Ann Coulter’s new book titled “Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and their Assault on America.”  The Right Wing News blog was a summary of the best quotes in Ann’s book.  I have to say most of the quotes are right on.  

However, one of the quotes (from Ann’s book) in the blog was the following:  

“Getting pregnant isn’t like catching the flu. There are volitional acts involved — someone else explain it to Dennis Kucinich. By this purposeful act, single mothers cause irreparable harm to other human beings — their own children — as countless studies on the subject make clear. Not only do single mothers hurt their children, they also foist a raft of social pathologies on society. Look at almost any societal problem and you will find it is really a problem of single mothers.” 

I’ve never been punched in the face, but I imagine it is less painful than reading the above.   

What hurts is not that what Ann stated is false.  On the contrary, I know first hand that single-parent households can open the doors for kids going into gangs, drugs, abuse, low self esteem, etc., but it is the generalization that ALL single mothers are causing a problem and creating society’s evils.   

Believe it or not, I kept reading.  At the bottom of the blog was a link to another of John Hawkin’s pieces: “Ann Coulter on Single Mothers…”  Below is a clip from Ann’s book cited in Hawkin’s blog:  

“Here is the lottery ticket that single mothers are handing their innocent children by choosing to raise them without fathers: Controlling for socioeconomic status, race, and place of residence, the strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison is that he was raised by a single parent. By 1996, 70 percent of inmates in state juvenile detention centers serving long-term sentences were raised by single mothers. Seventy-two percent of juvenile murderers and 60 percent of rapists come from single-mother homes. Seventy percent of teenage births, dropouts, suicides, runaways, juvenile delinquents, and child murderers involve children raised by single mothers. Girls raised without fathers are more sexually promiscuous and more likely to end up divorced. A 1990 study by the Progressive Policy Institute showed that after controlling for single motherhood, the difference between black and white crime rates disappeared.

Various studies have come up with slightly different numbers, but all the figures are grim. According to the Index of Leading Cultural Indicators, children from single-parent families account for 63 percent of all youth suicides, 70 percent of all teenage pregnancies, 71 percent of all adolescent chemical/substance abuse, 80 percent of all prison inmates, and 90 percent of all homeless and runaway children.

A study cited in the Village Voice produced similar numbers. It found that children brought up in single-mother homes ‘are five times more likely to commit suicide, nine times more likely to drop out of high school, 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances, 14 times more likely to commit rape (for the boys), 20 times more likely to end up in prison, and 32 times more likely to run away from home.’ Single motherhood is like a farm team for future criminals and social outcasts.

….Many of these studies, for example, are from the 1990s, when the percentage of teenagers raised by single parents was lower than it is today. In 1990, 28 percent of children under eighteen were being raised in one-parent homes (mother or father), and 71 percent were being raised in two-parent homes. By 2005, more than one-third of all babies born in the United States were illegitimate. That’s a lot of social problems coming.

…Imagine an America with 70 percent fewer juvenile delinquents, 70 percent fewer teenage births, 63 to 70 percent fewer teenage suicides, and 70 percent to 90 percent fewer runaways and you will appreciate what the sainted single mothers have accomplished.” — P.37-38

Well, if the first quote I read was a punch in the face, the second link and more detailed context of Ann’s book was definitely a dagger to the heart.   

It hurts me deeply to know that my daughter could end up as a statistic – it hurts to know that the odds are against me, even if I do everything I can to be a good mother.   

That being said, I want to go back to Ann Coulter.   

As a former liberal, I could not stand Ann Coulter.  As I’ve changed and have become more conservative, I have learned to appreciate many of the things she says.  Although I understand her point about single mothers, I feel she is doing the same thing a liberal would do: cry foul, without true remedy, i.e. she has become a victim.  

It is fine to point fingers and say that single mothers “choose” to be single mothers, or incite people by titling one of her chapters “Victim of a Crime? Blame a Single Mother.”  No matter what the statistics are, this is generalization at its finest.  Not to mention that she’s alienating people that might otherwise give what she is saying (which is an important point) a valid chance.  Worst of all is that she doesn’t get to the root of the problem.  Yes, single motherhood is bad for society, but what is causing this trend, what is at the root of this problem?    

Here’s an example.  I was abused as a child.  I lived with my abuser in my home until the age of 18 when I could no longer stand the sight of his face and could legally leave my home.  I was alone, naive and fell in love.  I got engaged and pregnant all by the time I was 19.  My daughter was born.  My daughter’s father wanted to marry me – and it would have worked out were it not for the fact that he raped me and turned out to be a child molester.  Does Ann call this “choosing” to be a single mom?  I would give my life to be with the man I love and have a family and a father for my daughter, but there are limits to what one can stand in the name of staying together.     

I know there are many single mothers that have done a great job in raising their kids alone, without being on welfare or sucking up taxpayer money, or raising thugs.  Single mothers that have raised kids that contribute to society.  I also know many married couples that could not control their kids and they ended up as criminals. 

So maybe it is not so much raising kids alone that is the problem, as it is raising kids with moral values.  It does not take two parents to teach a child that stealing is wrong (although it is ideal), or that rape is monstrous, or that a child is wonderful in God’s eyes and they deserve the best.  

I will be the first to agree with the study that Ann cites, which states that a home where the parents are married is the best place for a child to grow up in, but that does not change the fact that there are good single parents, and that not all children in single-parent homes are society’s downfall.   

I know Ann is trying to sell books, but I wish she would be more conscious of how she delivers her message.

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Yesterday, I was surfing, reading news articles and came across a piece on Yahoo regarding Miley Cyrus’ Glamour interview, and her being “open” about dating a 20-year-old man.  I’m labeling this one under wth!

You know, I understand that Miley Cyrus cannot be perfect, and that she will make mistakes (i.e. photos of her cleavage popping up (pun intended) on the internet, or weird and freaky Vanity Fair cover, etc), but this one takes the cake. Let me explain. 

Plain English:  Miley is 16.  Boyfriend is 20.  The two of them dating = wrong - borderline illegal. 

Why is it my problem?  It’s not.  It bothers me because I have a 10 year old daughter that loves Miley’s music.  Although I’m not worried about my daughter emulating Miley’s behavior - I truly believe I am giving my daughter a good foundation of values and faith for her to make good choices in life, I am worried about the millions of girls out there getting the message that it is okay for them to be underage and dating GROWN MEN.  Not all of these girls have bodyguards, or millions of dollars to protect themselves from a guy should something go wrong. 

Miley states in the interview that her Dad introduced this guy to her.  What the heck???? This is normal?  I’m going to introduce a full-grown man to my teenage daughter and be okay with them dating?  Really?  Maybe in Nashville it’s ok (sorry to TN residents) - but not in the world of common sense.

Someone needs to tell this girl that she is an idol to many girls, like it or not her actions are out there for girls to see and act on.  This latest move is putting girls in danger.  It is widely known that dating abuse is a problem, that keeping young girls safe is a problem - why add to these problems? 

In the end, I blame the parents.  I know Miley is “growing up fast” because of the business she is in, but that doesn’t excuse her parents from knowing better. 

Miley is getting paid a lot (A LOT) of money to entertain, and with that comes responsibility to your fans (girls 7 to 17 probably being the majority of those fans).  How about doing the right thing, and not just what “feels” right. 

Ugh.

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Melissa Etheridge, champion of gay rights, declared back in November 2008 that because the people of California voted to keep marriage between a man and a woman, she would no longer pay taxes.  Her “reasoning” (I call it emotional blabbering) for not paying taxes was that it made her a “second class citizen” so she no longer needed to pay taxes.  Taunting the government, she blogged that the government would not be getting her “half million” in taxes owed.  Too bad that California and the country are going through tough times Melissa stated, she was keeping the extra money.  Who cares that she still uses California services, she no longer needed to pay her share.  Here’s the story.  

Anyway, for some reason, this story is still “news”, as it was on the front page of my AOL welcome screen a few days ago, and it made me think.   

As a single mom, I have worked hard to make something of myself (despite not going to college), and this year I am told by the government I owe taxes.  You can imagine how reading Melissa’s little tantrum makes me a little bit frustrated. 

Here is some reality for Ms. Etheridge.  I will be paying over $1,200 in Federal taxes this year (may seem small compared to her amount, but let me tell you that the money is needed much more in my household).  Do I like the fact that I am paying the taxes…no.  However, do I understand it as being part of living in this society, yes.  Is it then my right to be ABOVE THE LAW just because I don’t feel like paying taxes for whatever whimsical reason I can concoct today?  Let’s see, I am upset at a lot of things lately – maybe I should withhold paying my taxes because I disagree with Pelosi spending it on contraception?  Maybe I should withhold taxes because Obama is now paying for baby murder with my hard earned money?  Maybe I should withhold it because greedy politicians will end up stuffing it in their pockets anyway?   

Where does it begin and end? 

Here’s the kicker – before Prop 8, Ms. Etheridge had the same rights she has today.  She is able to legally be with her partner (just without the use of the word marriage).  Nothing has changed.  She is no more a second class citizen now than she was last October 2008.  Come and talk to me about being a second class citizen when you are really mistreated and denied your rights, like not being allowed to vote, or denied access to a restaurant because you’re gay – not just because the majority of California has an opinion different than yours.   

In her blog, Melissa also asks “Since when did we start legislating morality?”  Here’s the answer - always.  Does she not realize that when the government says “Murder is wrong” it is legislating morality?  Or how about when the laws state that it is not okay for a 40 year old man to rape a 10 year old girl?  That is legislating morality is it not?   

Anyway, I expect that if this woman does not pay her taxes, the full authority of the law will come down on her.  I’d ask Wesley Snipes how he would feel about Melissa getting away with not paying taxes.  

If they allow one person to skip taxes based on ideology, then maybe it’s time we all did.  After all, how many people can the government actually fit in Federal prison?   My guess is there’s not enough room to hold every single American that hates to pay taxes.  

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Although there is much to write about in the world today (like China wanting a global currency, or the poignant resignation letter from an AIG employee, or Obama’s threat of the government taking over private companies, etc.), I’m taking a small break from that train of thought today and just giving way to my mom side. 

For the last few days, my daughter has been working on a big school project.  Her group had to learn about and present a report about the Nervous System.  The last two nights were spent with her putting cardboard together, pasting construction paper, cutting felt paper, drawing arrows, creating labels and generally just putting this thing together to her satisfaction. 

Yesterday, when we finally finished (11:30 p.m. - and yes I know that is late), we stood there admiring the work.  My daughter smiled and she looked so proud of the thing.  I was sitting on the couch and she rushed to hug and kiss me - “Thank you mom, I would have never finished without your help.” 

Simple words - but they meant everything to me.  As a mom (especially a single mom), sometimes you stay up at nights wondering whether you are doing a good job, whether you are doing enough, or too much.  To have the little moments like this when you know you did something that they appreciate and will hopefully remember makes the long nights worth it. 

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