This morning I was thinking about my daughter’s new Easter dress.  Yesterday, when my daughter put on her bright white dress with pink flowers, I could see her smile just light up the room.  I could tell she felt beautiful.  People complimented her and smiled as she walked by in church – I felt like my prized jewel was on display.  

It’s funny how a dress can make you feel special and beautiful and confident.  It’s happened to me before.  Even when every other day of the year I loathe some part of my body, all it takes is the right dress to make me feel beautiful.  The right dress that you’re not only comfortable in, but that you know compliments you in just the right places.  When that dress is on, you can’t help but think that everyone can see the beauty they may have overlooked before.   

Knowing how good my daughter felt when people complimented her, I made it a point to compliment other little girls yesterday.  It worked every time – the girls would raise their chins a little higher and the smiles would go from ear-to-ear.  

I think we all need to hear compliments from time to time – it’s a reminder of the good in us.  The RCIA instructor at my parish (Elaine) says 99% of us is gold and 1% is shadow, but most of the time we focus on the negative 1% and forget about how good and beautiful we actually are. I agree.  We should all be more accepting of the good in us, and be better about recognizing it in those around us.

For the last few days, my daughter has been working on a big school project.  Her group had to learn about and present a report about the Nervous System.  The last two nights were spent with her putting cardboard together, pasting construction paper, cutting felt paper, drawing arrows, creating labels and generally just putting this thing together to her satisfaction. 

Yesterday, when we finally finished (11:30 p.m. – and yes I know that is late), we stood there admiring the work.  My daughter smiled and she looked so proud of the thing.  I was sitting on the couch and she rushed to hug and kiss me – “Thank you mom, I would have never finished without your help.” 

Simple words – but they meant everything to me.  As a mom (especially a single mom), sometimes you stay up at nights wondering whether you are doing a good job, whether you are doing enough, or too much.  To have the little moments like this when you know you did something that they appreciate and will hopefully remember makes the long nights worth it. 

What is a friend? This definition seems good to me and describes a beloved few in my life:

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin

I am what you could call selectively social. That is, in my private life, I have a few, intense, long-time friends rather than a vast collective of “networks”. Some formative experiences caused me to be rather slow to trust and so, even people who consider me their friend often don’t know a good part of who I am for a very long time, if ever.

Thankfully, I’ve been fortunate enough to accumulate friends over the years.

I expect most of the people in my life to come and go. It’s nothing personal against them; it’s just life. I don’t keep in touch with anyone from my high school days, and except for seeing their updates on facebook (which I do enjoy seeing), I really have no idea what goes on in their lives. There is a small handfull of friends from college that I believe will always be in my life, even if we go in and out of touch with each other (again, a natural part of life) from time to time.

Over the last year and a half to two years, I have met many people, some of them friends. There were three women, however, that very quickly became important friends in my life. They live far from me so our friendships were very much based on communication, but I have met them in person. Because I don’t just let anyone get that close, it’s hard for me when it comes to losing friends that I am that close to.

At the beginning of September…(lots more after the break), I lost one of those three friends because she decided to redefine that close, open friendship in such a way that was designed to greatly distance herself from me. We’ll call her “#2″. She then proceeded to try to be friends under her new terms, my resistance and opinion be damned. (First of all, who the hell decides to put terms on a friendship and box it in and still expects to be friends?) I guess that’s what happens when you get too close to someone with intimacy and trust issues. Anyway, because she made a pretty good effort to lie to me and hide what was going on, of course all of my trust issues that I had long buried came flying out which just made things worse. I remember, very clearly, once promising her that I would trust her until she gave me a reason not to, regardless of her past. Unfortunately, she gave me lots of reasons to not trust her, but to this day, I do believe her to be one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met on the inside. It’s just that wall of defenses she puts up to protect what’s on the inside that causes all the problems. And knowing that, it made things even harder. My heart keeps forgiving her and wanting her in my life, even when my head keeps telling me to run screaming away. I also made another promise to her that seems pretty meaningless now considering we’re no longer talking to each other; she probably forgot about it and didn’t think much of it at the time, either. I promised I wouldn’t let her and her issues push me away, no matter what she did or said. Sometimes I wish my heart would let me break that promise. It’s not an issue of me wanting to be more than friends with her, it’s an issue of not being able to be less than friends with her and still able to handle her being in my life. It would be analagous to my sister telling me she’s no longer wanting to be part of my family, but still wanting to be friends. I just cannot be friends with someone who has intentionally closed herself off and isn’t open to rebuilding that lost friendship. I especially can’t handle a “friendship” with “restrictions” in place. This isn’t something that I’m just going to need more time before we can be friends again – it’s not time that’s the factor, but the conditions. There’s not a day goes by I don’t think of her, and I cannot for the life of me, understand why I can’t just “move on.” Is it really possible to grow to love someone so quickly and strongly – not be in love with them in a romantic sense (though there was tension there at one point) – that they stay with you (haunt you?) for the rest of your life? Or is it just me going mad? I miss her.

Over the last few weeks, it seems that a second of those three friends (friend “#3″) have decided to cut me out of her life, but this time for a totally different reason. She’s pissed off that her last suicide attempt didn’t work, and says that she wants to not talk to me or anyone else anymore “because it’ll be easier that way.” She downed a whole bottle of Viccadin last Saturday. The reaction from the doctors was shock that she ever woke up from the coma she was in, much less being fully aware of things. It seems she’s done some serious damage to her lungs or something, though, and so she’s in ICU. Which sucks for her since she wants to go home and finish what she started. How do you reach out to a person who has decided that she no longer wants to be helped? She just wants it all to end. She won’t even talk to her therapist. After facing years of sexual abuse as a child and in high school, having her “first love” in college sexually assault her in some of the worst ways (which occurred only a couple months after I first started talking to her), and then a few months ago having someone she trusted sodomize her, who can blame her for her issues? Like most (if not all) victims of sexual violence, she blames herself. She refuses to tell her family, who are part of the problem whether than a means to a solution. Her friend and I, who are the only ones in her social circle to know everything that’s going on, are at our wits’ end as to what to do (he’s the one who saved her life last weekend…we’ll save the “guilt” I feel for not catching on what was happenning since I was on the phone with her most of the day Saturday after she took the pills for another day). I wish like hell that friend #2 was around to talk to about this since she has first-hand experience in related areas about this topic, including maybe even legal advice. However, friend #2 is more accurately described as “former friend #1″ at the moment, and my own stubborn pride is insisting on not asking her a (pagan) god-damned thing ever again. So instead, I’ll solicite advice from so-called experts…

Anyway, what both of these friends have shown me is that one shouldn’t take friendships for granted, since even the closest friendships are subject to strife and rough endings. Anyone who thinks that one shouldn’t have to work to maintain friendships is a damn fool. Sometimes, you DO have to put effort into them. I think I would do just about anything to have both friends #2 and friends #3 back in my life, without having them both DECIDE to exit it. They’ve also reminded me that “saving someone” from their own issues is impossible for anyone but that person to do. All friends can do is be there and support them when they need it, scold them when they screw up, help them hold the pieces together when they start to crack, and help them pick up the pieces when they completely fall apart. But in each of those cases, it starts with the friend being willing to help themself and accept help from you. If you cannot be honest with them or have them be honest with you over issues and events, then it’s not a friendship.

In my head, I have pretty much given up on ever having friend #2 in my life in any meaningful way from this point on. I’m having way too hard of a time convincing my heart of the same thing, but eventually, I’m sure I’ll manage to do just that. I’ve given up on her, and she’s doing just fine without me (not having any of the trouble I am with this). I’m not willing to give up on friend #3 since I’m know the outcome won’t be her doing fine without me (at least not as long as she wants to die).

Now, I do want to end this very long post on a positive note. There is a third friend that I haven’t mentioned. Friend #1. She has been there helping me get through all of this. She gets to hear a lot more about things than my other friends since she’s more aware of the persons involved. I’ve seen her on numerous occasions set her own issues aside to help me deal with mine (and I try to do the same for her – that’s real friendship, afterall). All I have to say is: Thanks you. You know who you are.

And also thanks to all my other good friends as well. You and my family make my life worth living; it’s what’s missing from #3’s life (in her own head, mostly) and why my life is so blessed. Thank you all.

…

The change occurred back when birth control became ubiquitous. Women could have sex as easily and without consequence as men and so women took on the behavior of the most hound-doggish men. It has not been good for either men or women.

Oh, usually, when this topic comes up, the discussion turns toward STDs or unwanted pregnancies or abortion. And those are important discussions and a terrible side-effect of sexual promiscuity. But there is a more day-to-day effect of promiscuity: the devaluing of sex itself to the point that it’s purpose beyond reproduction is distorted beyond recognition.

Sex is not just to make babies. Sex is not just for physical pleasure. Sex is a sacred gift between two people.

Here’s an irony that I’ve noticed: the women who put out the most seem to like sex the least. You read that right. Because sex matters so little to them, they use sex as a tool to get a man to like them or they use sex to have physical touch or they use sex for attention. The point is, they use sex. And then, when there is no more use for sex, they stop giving it up. That’s right. They don’t like it or value it that much anyway. They give it to anyone and everyone. And, imagine their eventual husband’s shock when it stops being given. “But we had so much sex before we got married!” Uh huh. I have a newsflash. She didn’t like it then, either. She was using sex to use you. And, it worked.

No one values anything that comes cheap. Why do men and women give away the gift of their body and soul as if it is worth nothing?

…

Go read the whole thing. Do it. All three of you who read this.

I don’t really know what else to write about her post. As a guy with more female friends than guy friends, I get to hear a lot of stuff that most guys never hear. The most frustrating thing is when I see my women friends in all their unhappiness try to convince themselves that what they are doing that makes them unhappy (usually sexually/romantically related) is OK because of whatever excuse they give themselves. It’s even worse when they convince themselves that they are happy even though all they’re doing is surrounding themselves with distractions from their issues. Those issues always come back and bite them in the end, though…

I been meaning to blog about this since before Thanksgiving when I heard this quote on the episode of How I Met Your Mother titled “Slapsgiving” (the Thanksgiving episode).  I don’t really know if I have anything profound to say about it, except that I’ve always felt it was true.  It is why real friendships tend to last even through the hard times…

I think that’s all I’m going to say for now since I’m watching “The Big Bang Theory” on the internet.  It’s a great show

There is a part of me that not many people know about – a set of interests and vices.  Because of my own experiences and understandings of this aspect of life, I’ve been starting to feel that I am in a unique position to make connections with people struggling with similar issues.  I felt that way about my friend, and thought that maybe one reason we began opening up to each other the way we did was because we had sort of an understanding on this level.  I never judged her, and she never judged me.  She’s not the only one I’ve felt this with either.  There’s many others. 

Unfortunately, she’s decided to withdraw from the friendship – a very conscious and deliberate decision.  Since I’ve all but given up hope on re-establishing the friendship and open communication, it makes me wonder whether or not we were really put into each others’ lives for a reason.  I know she had an impact on me, at least.  Anyway, not the point of this.

I’ve gotten the impression that I’m easy to talk to and open up to, though I question that these days.  Last night, someone else showed up in my life in an unexpected way.  She’s 10 weeks pregnant and planning on getting an abortion.  The circumstances of our meeting aren’t important, the point is that she was put into my life.  The question is: was it for a reason or a coincidence?  She openned up to me without knowing me, so I don’t think it was anything special.  I think she was just talking and those were the things coming out.  In any case, I emailed her tonight to offer support and let her know there were other options.  I don’t expect to hear back from her, but hopefully I can make some sort of an impact.

I guess lately that’s my problem.  I don’t feel that the career I’ve chosen is going to allow me to make the impact I feel I need to make in life.  I’ve also never taken losing friends very well, especially deliberately.  All of this has me wondering about life.  What type of impact will I have on the world when I die?  Whose life have I made an impact in?  Was it significant?  Were they changed for the better?  Or the worse?  Do we meet people at particular times for a reason?  Do friends come and go in our lives at certain times for a reason other than those ridiculous ones given or because we just “drifted apart” as is the case with so many of my other friends?  I miss my friends from college, though I’m glad to say I still keep in touch with them decently often.  I miss my friend that I’ve lost, and hopefully she’ll come back one day.  I miss my family, though I know they’ll always be there.

I believe life really is measured by the impact that you’ve made on others as well as the impact you’ve let others have on you.  So does it all happen for a reason?  Or is it coincidence?  Certainly, for God’s gift of Free Will to be true, we all must make the choice to let someone impact us and to make an effort to make a positive difference in another’s life.  Even if that effort is to just live your life to the fullest and be there for those who need you – when they need you.

Ok, enough rambling.  Goodnight, and please pray for my lost friend as well as the woman I met last night and her baby.  Maybe she’ll have a change of heart…