This morning I was thinking about my daughter’s new Easter dress.  Yesterday, when my daughter put on her bright white dress with pink flowers, I could see her smile just light up the room.  I could tell she felt beautiful.  People complimented her and smiled as she walked by in church – I felt like my prized jewel was on display.  

It’s funny how a dress can make you feel special and beautiful and confident.  It’s happened to me before.  Even when every other day of the year I loathe some part of my body, all it takes is the right dress to make me feel beautiful.  The right dress that you’re not only comfortable in, but that you know compliments you in just the right places.  When that dress is on, you can’t help but think that everyone can see the beauty they may have overlooked before.   

Knowing how good my daughter felt when people complimented her, I made it a point to compliment other little girls yesterday.  It worked every time – the girls would raise their chins a little higher and the smiles would go from ear-to-ear.  

I think we all need to hear compliments from time to time – it’s a reminder of the good in us.  The RCIA instructor at my parish (Elaine) says 99% of us is gold and 1% is shadow, but most of the time we focus on the negative 1% and forget about how good and beautiful we actually are. I agree.  We should all be more accepting of the good in us, and be better about recognizing it in those around us.

I mention this fact only because I was doing my daily reading of news and came across a blog about Ann Coulter’s new book titled “Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and their Assault on America.”  The Right Wing News blog was a summary of the best quotes in Ann’s book.  I have to say most of the quotes are right on.  

However, one of the quotes (from Ann’s book) in the blog was the following:  

“Getting pregnant isn’t like catching the flu. There are volitional acts involved — someone else explain it to Dennis Kucinich. By this purposeful act, single mothers cause irreparable harm to other human beings — their own children — as countless studies on the subject make clear. Not only do single mothers hurt their children, they also foist a raft of social pathologies on society. Look at almost any societal problem and you will find it is really a problem of single mothers.” 

I’ve never been punched in the face, but I imagine it is less painful than reading the above.   

What hurts is not that what Ann stated is false.  On the contrary, I know first hand that single-parent households can open the doors for kids going into gangs, drugs, abuse, low self esteem, etc., but it is the generalization that ALL single mothers are causing a problem and creating society’s evils.   

Believe it or not, I kept reading.  At the bottom of the blog was a link to another of John Hawkin’s pieces: “Ann Coulter on Single Mothers…”  Below is a clip from Ann’s book cited in Hawkin’s blog:  

“Here is the lottery ticket that single mothers are handing their innocent children by choosing to raise them without fathers: Controlling for socioeconomic status, race, and place of residence, the strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison is that he was raised by a single parent. By 1996, 70 percent of inmates in state juvenile detention centers serving long-term sentences were raised by single mothers. Seventy-two percent of juvenile murderers and 60 percent of rapists come from single-mother homes. Seventy percent of teenage births, dropouts, suicides, runaways, juvenile delinquents, and child murderers involve children raised by single mothers. Girls raised without fathers are more sexually promiscuous and more likely to end up divorced. A 1990 study by the Progressive Policy Institute showed that after controlling for single motherhood, the difference between black and white crime rates disappeared.

Various studies have come up with slightly different numbers, but all the figures are grim. According to the Index of Leading Cultural Indicators, children from single-parent families account for 63 percent of all youth suicides, 70 percent of all teenage pregnancies, 71 percent of all adolescent chemical/substance abuse, 80 percent of all prison inmates, and 90 percent of all homeless and runaway children.

A study cited in the Village Voice produced similar numbers. It found that children brought up in single-mother homes ‘are five times more likely to commit suicide, nine times more likely to drop out of high school, 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances, 14 times more likely to commit rape (for the boys), 20 times more likely to end up in prison, and 32 times more likely to run away from home.’ Single motherhood is like a farm team for future criminals and social outcasts.

….Many of these studies, for example, are from the 1990s, when the percentage of teenagers raised by single parents was lower than it is today. In 1990, 28 percent of children under eighteen were being raised in one-parent homes (mother or father), and 71 percent were being raised in two-parent homes. By 2005, more than one-third of all babies born in the United States were illegitimate. That’s a lot of social problems coming.

…Imagine an America with 70 percent fewer juvenile delinquents, 70 percent fewer teenage births, 63 to 70 percent fewer teenage suicides, and 70 percent to 90 percent fewer runaways and you will appreciate what the sainted single mothers have accomplished.” — P.37-38

Well, if the first quote I read was a punch in the face, the second link and more detailed context of Ann’s book was definitely a dagger to the heart.   

It hurts me deeply to know that my daughter could end up as a statistic – it hurts to know that the odds are against me, even if I do everything I can to be a good mother.   

That being said, I want to go back to Ann Coulter.   

As a former liberal, I could not stand Ann Coulter.  As I’ve changed and have become more conservative, I have learned to appreciate many of the things she says.  Although I understand her point about single mothers, I feel she is doing the same thing a liberal would do: cry foul, without true remedy, i.e. she has become a victim.  

It is fine to point fingers and say that single mothers “choose” to be single mothers, or incite people by titling one of her chapters “Victim of a Crime? Blame a Single Mother.”  No matter what the statistics are, this is generalization at its finest.  Not to mention that she’s alienating people that might otherwise give what she is saying (which is an important point) a valid chance.  Worst of all is that she doesn’t get to the root of the problem.  Yes, single motherhood is bad for society, but what is causing this trend, what is at the root of this problem?    

Here’s an example.  I was abused as a child.  I lived with my abuser in my home until the age of 18 when I could no longer stand the sight of his face and could legally leave my home.  I was alone, naive and fell in love.  I got engaged and pregnant all by the time I was 19.  My daughter was born.  My daughter’s father wanted to marry me – and it would have worked out were it not for the fact that he raped me and turned out to be a child molester.  Does Ann call this “choosing” to be a single mom?  I would give my life to be with the man I love and have a family and a father for my daughter, but there are limits to what one can stand in the name of staying together.     

I know there are many single mothers that have done a great job in raising their kids alone, without being on welfare or sucking up taxpayer money, or raising thugs.  Single mothers that have raised kids that contribute to society.  I also know many married couples that could not control their kids and they ended up as criminals. 

So maybe it is not so much raising kids alone that is the problem, as it is raising kids with moral values.  It does not take two parents to teach a child that stealing is wrong (although it is ideal), or that rape is monstrous, or that a child is wonderful in God’s eyes and they deserve the best.  

I will be the first to agree with the study that Ann cites, which states that a home where the parents are married is the best place for a child to grow up in, but that does not change the fact that there are good single parents, and that not all children in single-parent homes are society’s downfall.   

I know Ann is trying to sell books, but I wish she would be more conscious of how she delivers her message.

For the last few days, my daughter has been working on a big school project.  Her group had to learn about and present a report about the Nervous System.  The last two nights were spent with her putting cardboard together, pasting construction paper, cutting felt paper, drawing arrows, creating labels and generally just putting this thing together to her satisfaction. 

Yesterday, when we finally finished (11:30 p.m. – and yes I know that is late), we stood there admiring the work.  My daughter smiled and she looked so proud of the thing.  I was sitting on the couch and she rushed to hug and kiss me – “Thank you mom, I would have never finished without your help.” 

Simple words – but they meant everything to me.  As a mom (especially a single mom), sometimes you stay up at nights wondering whether you are doing a good job, whether you are doing enough, or too much.  To have the little moments like this when you know you did something that they appreciate and will hopefully remember makes the long nights worth it. 

The biggest difference between a truly educated person and someone with a collection of useless facts is the ability to think for one’s self. This doesn’t mean thinking without considering the opinions of others, but to form a balance between the analysis of others and self-analysis. Characteristics of an educated person include the ability to 1) think independently through those facts to form an opinion, 2) listen openly to others’ opinions, analyze, and draw conclusions, and 3) admit when personal opinions, long held, are in error.

Not everyone with an advanced degree can claim to be educated under the above description, and most, show some at least some of those traits some of the time. Likewise, one doesn’t have to earn a degree to shows those characteristics, but without the degree, the in depth knowledge and thinking skills are usually (not always) lacking. Most importantly, a truly educated person never stops re-evaluating their beliefs and opinions when presented with new facts.

One of the most important lessons I learned during the years of my secondary education is to always approach something with an open-mind and try to understand the world through the perspective of another person. That’s what I blame on the Catholic education. It’s the idea that one’s individual self is to be sacrificed for the greater good of another, and one of the forms of this sacrifice is an intellectual (and spiritual) exercise of perspective change. What did the world look like from the perspective of Christ on the cross, as He forgave His Executioners? If God looks upon the world with the eyes of Man, shouldn’t we attempt to look at the world through the eyes of another? Isn’t this what leads to the deep feelings of compassion that we have for our fellow man?

It was with this mindset, which is quite correct and good, that many people set their political beliefs around. When I graduated high school…(more after the jump) in the year 2000, I was able to vote in my first presidential election. Like most 18 year olds, I didn’t bother following the primaries. Once the general election roled around, we were faced with the choice between Al Gore and George W. Bush. I was sure I was a Republican, but it was probably for the wrong reasons…which I have no idea at this point what they were. It probably had to do with Clinton’s actions in office, the pro-life stance of the party, and the belief in a strong military. What did I know about politics?

I felt I was a moderate, believing in the necessity of state welfare, government subsidies (whatever the hell that was), federal education assistance (I couldn’t have gone to college without it), etc, but socially conservative. So President Bush’s “compassionate conservatism” appealed to me. I was against the death penalty because I had a pretty strong dream about being on death row, which convinced me that the death penalty was wrong. Gun rights? Good idea, but please keep them out of the school zones, etc. What would be wrong with registering guns and banning assault rifles? On abortion, what right did the state have to make me pay for someone else’s abortion? However, let’s keep abortion legal for special cases. Gay marriage wasn’t an issue at the time. The media was slightly biased, but that’s ok.

Most of the moderate beliefs were reinforced during the next five or six years of typical college classes. Then I started reading blogs and listening to forum conversations. Then that whole lesson from seeing the world through another perspective returned, but with different eyes. The new facts and observations and analysis played well with Sr. Theodora’s (and others) lessons, and I found myself re-evaluating some things.

I understand now some important lessons:

1. Seeing the world from a different perspective is important, but one cannot do this through the lens of the government. The government’s solution to problems is rooted in efficiency. This lens only sees statistics. It doesn’t see the individual. Remember, from above, that whole thing of sacrificing one’s self in order to see the perspective of another? The part where we are to make personal sacrifices for the common good? Through the lens of the government, we cannot see the individual we are sacrificing our paycheck for. The forced charity that this brings about is no longer a charity (meaning love), but part of a systematic way of reducing our individualistic identity into a collective. This affects both the “giver” and the “reciever” of said charity. It is no accident that the political left are far lacking in charitable donations than the political right.
2. Seeing the perspective of the other and sacrificing one’s self requires a personal act, addressing the individual needs of the other. The needs of the other are very rarely just a “hand-out”, which is more patronizing than anything else. Give the unemployed meaningful work. Treat minorities not as victims of society, but as individuals with the same capabilities as their white counterparts. Take personal responsibility for the good of society, and not wait or expect the government to do so.
3. People will rise up to the expectations set for them if only we stop making excuses for them.
4. Conservative economic theory beats socialization any day.
5. Give the government the opportunity to take more power and they will do it…no exceptions.

I can keep going, but the point is that I am now solidly on the side of classical liberalism – or conservatism. Not the compassionate conservativism, but solidly conservative. Yes, I still believe that the government should help out poor people wanting an education (though in a way that won’t raise tuition across the nation), government subsidies for research, etc. Art museums may need some extra help once in awhile, but dammit, Amtrak and airlines don’t need bailing out if their business models don’t work. Socializing healthcare is a bad idea: the free market would do better. Shrink the size of the federal government and return power to the states. If CA wants to experiment with socialized medicine, let them do it on their dime. Abortions are always wrong, and gay marriage is a redefinition of the basic building block of society that I’m not willing to concede.

The great fallacy of Progressivism, in my mind, is this mistaken belief that by artificially elevating the less fortunate and “downtrodden” to a position of false empowerment via cultural and government coercion will eliminate the power gradiant caused by capitalistic and aristocratic forces, thus solving the problems we face. This is quite naive and patently false, especially when coupled with the notion that seeing the world through another perspective implies a need to always apologize and bend over backwards to accomodate the other. True empowerment originates from an individual overcoming the burdens and challenges that fate has placed on the person. This artificial empowerment, on the otherhand and for the most part, is a direct result of arrogant patronization from the “enlightened” in a way to justify their own existance, inflating their lack of humility and self-worth. The individual who steps into a soup kitchen to serve soup to the homeless and poor does more good for those people than a hundred politicians handing out welfare checks. Even more, the individual who sits at the table and shares a meal with someone has much greater chance of empowering that person, even if just for a brief moment, than any government hand-out ever given, for this simple act of humility serves as a reminder to all that we are all humans, not statistics in a government report.

In this period of awakening, I’ve also realized that I want to be more involved in the political process. It’s made me question my previous desire to go a straight academic career path. I’m not sure where I want to go anymore, but we’ll see where this road takes me.

Later, I’ll elaborate on these themes in regard to the current presidential election, and I’ll talk about how, in just one week, John McCain has convinced me that he is the best man to lead this country at this time. I don’t agree with him on everything, but the McCain-Palin ticket has more hope of bringing about change (of the good kind) than any empty promise and socialized ideal that Obama has ever talked about.

What is a friend? This definition seems good to me and describes a beloved few in my life:

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin

I am what you could call selectively social. That is, in my private life, I have a few, intense, long-time friends rather than a vast collective of “networks”. Some formative experiences caused me to be rather slow to trust and so, even people who consider me their friend often don’t know a good part of who I am for a very long time, if ever.

Thankfully, I’ve been fortunate enough to accumulate friends over the years.

I expect most of the people in my life to come and go. It’s nothing personal against them; it’s just life. I don’t keep in touch with anyone from my high school days, and except for seeing their updates on facebook (which I do enjoy seeing), I really have no idea what goes on in their lives. There is a small handfull of friends from college that I believe will always be in my life, even if we go in and out of touch with each other (again, a natural part of life) from time to time.

Over the last year and a half to two years, I have met many people, some of them friends. There were three women, however, that very quickly became important friends in my life. They live far from me so our friendships were very much based on communication, but I have met them in person. Because I don’t just let anyone get that close, it’s hard for me when it comes to losing friends that I am that close to.

At the beginning of September…(lots more after the break), I lost one of those three friends because she decided to redefine that close, open friendship in such a way that was designed to greatly distance herself from me. We’ll call her “#2″. She then proceeded to try to be friends under her new terms, my resistance and opinion be damned. (First of all, who the hell decides to put terms on a friendship and box it in and still expects to be friends?) I guess that’s what happens when you get too close to someone with intimacy and trust issues. Anyway, because she made a pretty good effort to lie to me and hide what was going on, of course all of my trust issues that I had long buried came flying out which just made things worse. I remember, very clearly, once promising her that I would trust her until she gave me a reason not to, regardless of her past. Unfortunately, she gave me lots of reasons to not trust her, but to this day, I do believe her to be one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met on the inside. It’s just that wall of defenses she puts up to protect what’s on the inside that causes all the problems. And knowing that, it made things even harder. My heart keeps forgiving her and wanting her in my life, even when my head keeps telling me to run screaming away. I also made another promise to her that seems pretty meaningless now considering we’re no longer talking to each other; she probably forgot about it and didn’t think much of it at the time, either. I promised I wouldn’t let her and her issues push me away, no matter what she did or said. Sometimes I wish my heart would let me break that promise. It’s not an issue of me wanting to be more than friends with her, it’s an issue of not being able to be less than friends with her and still able to handle her being in my life. It would be analagous to my sister telling me she’s no longer wanting to be part of my family, but still wanting to be friends. I just cannot be friends with someone who has intentionally closed herself off and isn’t open to rebuilding that lost friendship. I especially can’t handle a “friendship” with “restrictions” in place. This isn’t something that I’m just going to need more time before we can be friends again – it’s not time that’s the factor, but the conditions. There’s not a day goes by I don’t think of her, and I cannot for the life of me, understand why I can’t just “move on.” Is it really possible to grow to love someone so quickly and strongly – not be in love with them in a romantic sense (though there was tension there at one point) – that they stay with you (haunt you?) for the rest of your life? Or is it just me going mad? I miss her.

Over the last few weeks, it seems that a second of those three friends (friend “#3″) have decided to cut me out of her life, but this time for a totally different reason. She’s pissed off that her last suicide attempt didn’t work, and says that she wants to not talk to me or anyone else anymore “because it’ll be easier that way.” She downed a whole bottle of Viccadin last Saturday. The reaction from the doctors was shock that she ever woke up from the coma she was in, much less being fully aware of things. It seems she’s done some serious damage to her lungs or something, though, and so she’s in ICU. Which sucks for her since she wants to go home and finish what she started. How do you reach out to a person who has decided that she no longer wants to be helped? She just wants it all to end. She won’t even talk to her therapist. After facing years of sexual abuse as a child and in high school, having her “first love” in college sexually assault her in some of the worst ways (which occurred only a couple months after I first started talking to her), and then a few months ago having someone she trusted sodomize her, who can blame her for her issues? Like most (if not all) victims of sexual violence, she blames herself. She refuses to tell her family, who are part of the problem whether than a means to a solution. Her friend and I, who are the only ones in her social circle to know everything that’s going on, are at our wits’ end as to what to do (he’s the one who saved her life last weekend…we’ll save the “guilt” I feel for not catching on what was happenning since I was on the phone with her most of the day Saturday after she took the pills for another day). I wish like hell that friend #2 was around to talk to about this since she has first-hand experience in related areas about this topic, including maybe even legal advice. However, friend #2 is more accurately described as “former friend #1″ at the moment, and my own stubborn pride is insisting on not asking her a (pagan) god-damned thing ever again. So instead, I’ll solicite advice from so-called experts…

Anyway, what both of these friends have shown me is that one shouldn’t take friendships for granted, since even the closest friendships are subject to strife and rough endings. Anyone who thinks that one shouldn’t have to work to maintain friendships is a damn fool. Sometimes, you DO have to put effort into them. I think I would do just about anything to have both friends #2 and friends #3 back in my life, without having them both DECIDE to exit it. They’ve also reminded me that “saving someone” from their own issues is impossible for anyone but that person to do. All friends can do is be there and support them when they need it, scold them when they screw up, help them hold the pieces together when they start to crack, and help them pick up the pieces when they completely fall apart. But in each of those cases, it starts with the friend being willing to help themself and accept help from you. If you cannot be honest with them or have them be honest with you over issues and events, then it’s not a friendship.

In my head, I have pretty much given up on ever having friend #2 in my life in any meaningful way from this point on. I’m having way too hard of a time convincing my heart of the same thing, but eventually, I’m sure I’ll manage to do just that. I’ve given up on her, and she’s doing just fine without me (not having any of the trouble I am with this). I’m not willing to give up on friend #3 since I’m know the outcome won’t be her doing fine without me (at least not as long as she wants to die).

Now, I do want to end this very long post on a positive note. There is a third friend that I haven’t mentioned. Friend #1. She has been there helping me get through all of this. She gets to hear a lot more about things than my other friends since she’s more aware of the persons involved. I’ve seen her on numerous occasions set her own issues aside to help me deal with mine (and I try to do the same for her – that’s real friendship, afterall). All I have to say is: Thanks you. You know who you are.

And also thanks to all my other good friends as well. You and my family make my life worth living; it’s what’s missing from #3’s life (in her own head, mostly) and why my life is so blessed. Thank you all.

Just thought yall would wanna know…

There is a part of me that not many people know about – a set of interests and vices.  Because of my own experiences and understandings of this aspect of life, I’ve been starting to feel that I am in a unique position to make connections with people struggling with similar issues.  I felt that way about my friend, and thought that maybe one reason we began opening up to each other the way we did was because we had sort of an understanding on this level.  I never judged her, and she never judged me.  She’s not the only one I’ve felt this with either.  There’s many others. 

Unfortunately, she’s decided to withdraw from the friendship – a very conscious and deliberate decision.  Since I’ve all but given up hope on re-establishing the friendship and open communication, it makes me wonder whether or not we were really put into each others’ lives for a reason.  I know she had an impact on me, at least.  Anyway, not the point of this.

I’ve gotten the impression that I’m easy to talk to and open up to, though I question that these days.  Last night, someone else showed up in my life in an unexpected way.  She’s 10 weeks pregnant and planning on getting an abortion.  The circumstances of our meeting aren’t important, the point is that she was put into my life.  The question is: was it for a reason or a coincidence?  She openned up to me without knowing me, so I don’t think it was anything special.  I think she was just talking and those were the things coming out.  In any case, I emailed her tonight to offer support and let her know there were other options.  I don’t expect to hear back from her, but hopefully I can make some sort of an impact.

I guess lately that’s my problem.  I don’t feel that the career I’ve chosen is going to allow me to make the impact I feel I need to make in life.  I’ve also never taken losing friends very well, especially deliberately.  All of this has me wondering about life.  What type of impact will I have on the world when I die?  Whose life have I made an impact in?  Was it significant?  Were they changed for the better?  Or the worse?  Do we meet people at particular times for a reason?  Do friends come and go in our lives at certain times for a reason other than those ridiculous ones given or because we just “drifted apart” as is the case with so many of my other friends?  I miss my friends from college, though I’m glad to say I still keep in touch with them decently often.  I miss my friend that I’ve lost, and hopefully she’ll come back one day.  I miss my family, though I know they’ll always be there.

I believe life really is measured by the impact that you’ve made on others as well as the impact you’ve let others have on you.  So does it all happen for a reason?  Or is it coincidence?  Certainly, for God’s gift of Free Will to be true, we all must make the choice to let someone impact us and to make an effort to make a positive difference in another’s life.  Even if that effort is to just live your life to the fullest and be there for those who need you – when they need you.

Ok, enough rambling.  Goodnight, and please pray for my lost friend as well as the woman I met last night and her baby.  Maybe she’ll have a change of heart…